This would probably be the last blog post that I would be inputting in this blogspot space, cos I have lived for the past year odd in the shadows of what I thought was the most beautiful Love story that I would have encountered, yet having the year-odd enjoying the singlehood status, having suitors and what-nots in my Life, I finally realised that truly, another door really opens when one closes...
You were perhaps, meant to be there when I needed a pillar of support when I was down and bitter about relationships and matters to do with the heart - You really made me believe in Love once more, and I really cast all of my fears aside to give us, and this relationship a chance, even though I knew that I compromised more than you did - Making time for you and your friends, while you never ever wanted to spend time with my dearest girlfriends whom mattered dearly to me... =(
I look back at the SMS-es which I have sent you - You did teach me much more than I have ever learnt about Love and affairs to do with the Heart - I finally understood what it had felt like to be taken for granted when I swore never ever to be taken for a ride after my previous bitter experiences, and never ever to be taken for granted ever again... You abused the Love, and the Trust that I had for you; Looking back, it seemed as though you never ever really appreciated nor treasured me the way you had promised to.... :(
I'm still figuring out what Love entails, and after a year odd of enjoying the singlehood status, with some people along the way whom were intrigued with me, but yet I was too afraid to try anything cos I didn't dare allow myself to get hurt ever again... A little bit of me could never ever let that tiny piece of you go, for you , despite all your flaws, you were seriously, the best that has ever happened to me; I knew you tried, I tried, we tried; But probably Life has weird ways of making fools of ourselves - We were too different to be together, yet we took that gamble to try and compromise, to make things work.... Yet, in the end, we failed, cos we were of different worlds, wanting different things, and seeing different perspectives... :(
I was indeed, very very hurtful when you left me on my own, had those nights when I drank myself silly, wondering what the fuck went wrong, whether Love alone was enough to sustain a relationship... I guessed we fell in Love, too fast, too quickly, to realise the true meaning of Love and what a relationship had truly entailed...
We were, honestly, two very very different individuals looking for comfort, for a listening ear, for Love, yet somehow, in some way or another, our paths crossed; and despite all the silly arguments and disagreements, I am honestly glad that you were there for me, at a crossroad filled of uncertainties in my Life... You made me realise what I really wanted and what I should pursue in Life... You motivated me and pushed me much more than I would have ever did had I been alone... For that, I truly and honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart.... ... :)
You once said that you wanted to keep in touch, but deep down, I knew it was impossible, for it was never ever easy for me to maintain relationships of any sorts with a person whom I loved with all my heart... I felt as though you had merely wanted to use me as a listening ear whenever things weren't going your way... Much as I wanted to, deep down, I knew that it was never ever possible as it would have been too painful...
I had asked myself if I could have endured being friends, when knowing you only needed me there when you were frustrated with your family affairs and merely wanted someone to listen, to give you a hug, telling you everything would be okay... I didn't want to be kept hanging on for that log of wood that shouldn't even have existed in the first place, for knowing myself, I would have pined, whined, and never ever had been able to move on to being the same old me...
You took my trust, confidance and Love for granted, and a certain part of me didnt wanna be taken advantage of by you ever again... I wanted to be the old Happy me, where guys didnt matter, and what matters were getting that degree and being filial to my parents, whom I owe billions to after being away from home for 2 years odd... I was very unhappy when I realised that what I had wanted in the future wasn't what you had in mind when I tried asking you... :(
Deep down, I knew we were somewhat vastly different, yet the optimistic me kept telling myself to give us a shot, for just once... I had deserved it for all the shite that I had been through in the past...
Although we didnt last as long as we both had hoped for, you have honestly, left a deep impression in my Life, for you were there when I needed a listening ear, despite how rarely you were there for me as a partner... You made me realise the true meaning of Love, and how sacred Love is and ought to be... which was why despite the suitors that I had, I never ever committed into a relationship for fear of being hurt once more, and also knowing how it wasn't a Love that I am looking for...
Friends have been match-making me with their friends, and for that I am truly appreciative of, but deep down, I couldn't let myself be receptive of accepting another being for fear of being hurt once more... Yet, there comes a time when I have to fully shut the chapter that we had once shared, keeping it as nutrients to help me grow to become a better person...
I need closure, I need to fully leave you behind in the bitter sweet memories, and move on with Life... It was a tough road moving on, me getting very cynical and jaded and pushing guys with good intentions away for fear of being hurt again... Something which I feel apologetic towards those whom tried, yet knowing that nothing would have worked out had I given them a shot...
I truly love my singlehood, and I deeply enjoy the freedom that I enjoy, meeting old friends for a cuppa and for chit-chats; things I could have never ever done had we been still together... I truly enjoy the clubbing sessions where I can let my hair down without a worry, without having to put myself in another person's shoes to avoid making the siginificant person worry.. Besides, which guy would be able to endure a girl with such a huge group of platonic friends of the opposite sex, and enduring how much she loves the nightlife? If I were the guy, I would constantly be worrying every other second as well... ...
I love my Life as it is now, and I know, it is time, for me to bury the memories which we once had shared, the future which we once had talked and dreamed of, and move on completely with Life...
You had the best of me at a time when I thought we could conquer all obstacles and difficulties together, yet, at the end of the day, I finally realised that Love cannot be forced to order.... ...
You were there for me at a time when I was unsure, lost and needing a pillar; for that I am truly grateful... Can I fully forgive and forget how cruel you had been to me to let us go? I cannot provide a certain answer for now, as I know I really dont have a certain answers... I still am unable to let go of how cruel you were to me, I am still somewhat angry, and for that, I still am unable to forgive and forget you... But like how Leona Lewis once sang, I truly hope that I would be better as time goes by...
You were once my shinest Northern star, one whom I look for directions, for answers and for affection, adn confirmation... But with time, things will change and fade away... Like how we both allowed ourselves to fade away... I need to leave you behind and truly embark on a chapter of my own... Stronger, more independent and happier than I have been for the past year odd or so...
This would be the closing chapter of this blog... I would definitely miss you sometimes, like how you used to cheer me up whenever I was feeling blue and despondant about things in Life with your silly antics and jokes, but you need not feel obligated to know how I am feeling, nor be responsible anymore...
For once in my Life, I truly did loved you, with my heart, with my being, and with my soul...
Yet it was never ever really appreciated and very taken for granted by you... I tried, you tried, we tried, but it didn't work out... So we move on, slowly, with the pain in us hopefully decreasing as Time passes... ...
I truly thank you for having been once in my Life, I truly appreciate all the little things you have done for me, but I truly truly believe that I do deserve more than I ever did... I deserve to be truly happy, single or otherwise... ...
I close the door to this chapter, and I know, for sure, another door would open somewhere along the way for me... I look forward, holding onto the sweet and somewhat bittersweet memories that we had once shared, with a smile on my face... ...
Oasis once sang, "Don't look back in anger...", and I truly hope that one day, I would be able to look at the memories we had once shared with a smile on my face...
I'm moving on... ... :)
THANK YOU, for having once been in my Life! :)
~This is the finale blog post onto this blog, for I need closure to move on with Life... Whether you would get to read this or otherwise, I truly wish you well!~
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~ Maya AngelouGoodBye, My once-dearest Northern Star! ✭
