I once told him that Love is like the stars in the sky, they'd sometimes shine so brightly, yet sometimes, they'd disappear within a twinkle of an eye... Yet he told me that he would be my Northern Star, being my beacon of light that would shine upon me everytime I am lost...
I have lost him, like the twinkle stars in that dark blanket of skies, and although deep down within me I cannot bear to let him go, I know I have to... ...
I know I'm slowly picking up the pieces and moving on, knowing how things between me and him are over...
I know how the tears that hasn't fell has been kept in storage somewhere, waiting for something in me to become completely heart-broken before the tears would come...
And in the wee hours of this morning, I finally cried...
I admit that there are times where I still do think of and about him, and I always have an emotional struggle within myself to be strong and smiley... And to keep moving on, and that i would become better in time... Yet tonight, alone in my room, tossing n turning in bed, the tears came like a torrential downpour...
I have no one to blame, it's just that people and feelings change... Sometimes, I would only have memories to keep hold onto, and for now, I am having flashbacks of the memories we had shared, remembering how he was able to tease me and make me laugh within a split second after making me cry, and how he held my hand tightly whenever I felt unhappy, and how his face would never fail to light up whenever I gave him a scalp massage... How he had an impish smile on his face when he wolfed down what was supposedly to be my supper from my hand after one of those drinking nights just because he didn't wanna wash his hands and I fed him both his and my share... How we would watch documentaries on National Geographic together during our weekends together, and how he and I curled up watching scary movies together... How he would mimic the way I spoke whenever I was irritated with him for wanting to irritate me... How I would go to zzz with smiles on my face, knowing that Love was around me and him... ...
I do know that one day these memories would be replaced by more memories in Life, yet, for now, I know that these memories still bring a whimsical smile onto my face...
I don't wish to see him, yet somewhere within me yearns to know if he's doing alright... The emotional struggles that I have to grapple with on a daily basis has been really really tough... Yet one day, I know, these are the memories and struggles that would make me become stronger... ...
But for now, all I can do is to look up at the skies, and pray that I would become better in time... ...
Hearing this song while working in office reminded me of him, and I tried to hold back the tears, but it slid down from those eyes he used to gaze into, down those cheeks he had once caressed...
I know I'm moping, I know it sounds pathetic... I know I'm being blocked off his MSN list... I know he doesn't want to have anything to do with me... People's been telling me he's definitely gotten someone new...
For the third time in our relationship, I really cannot trust him completely. He's said he's got no one when he called to end the relationship... Maybe there wasn't anyone then, but there might have been someone waiting in the wings... Perhaps, maybe, there's someone new now, making him laugh, making him smile, and making him happier than i could ever...
Alot has been going through my mind, I am in the denial stage of things, where I have alot of unanswered questions, which perhaps only he has the answers to. However, I am not supposed to contact him, I'm not supposed to look at the clock and be reminded to wake him up for work. I am not supposed to get him to take his medication, I'm not supposed to message him to tell him I've got alot of gas in my stomach, and that my stomach hurt like hell at work today... I'm not supposed to call him once I'm off work, and how I'm not supposed to expect a call after class or after he gets off work... I'm not supposed to think about him anymore...
It really hurts, to know that there is nothing I can do, but keep myself busy, and to tell myself that wounds can be healed in time, and that in time, I would be a better and happier person... But for now, I cannot move on, and zillion questions are rushing through my mind, yet I cannot comprehend nor have the answers to... ...
has been stuck with me ever since he called, and told me that things are over.
I somehow get a naggling feeling that I don't think (or it's just me alone) that doesn't want things to be over...
The feeling of wanting closure is consuming me whole...
I honestly haven't been eating well or sleeping well, and I've resorted to drinking remanants of my drowsy cough syrup from my recent doubt of flu as a way to get me to feel all drowsy and then I await for sleep to come to me...
And then I vaguely hear his laughter, and that familar voice, either subconsciously in my dreams or that i'm simply missing him too much...
Then I wake up, feeling a sense of emptiness that I have never ever felt before...
is probably something that needs some getting used to.
Friday nights were once the highlights of my days, where it would be dinner somewhere with him, and how we would then spend some QT, or be off to the pub to meet his friends...
It's been such a routine that it's just weird for me to sit around within my room on a Friday night, after watching Survivor while coughing over an itchy throat...
The weekends would be just spending time with him, and I really missed those times when we just lay in each other's arms, watching random shows off National Geographic or just random movies while listening to his heavy breathing, or just holding his hand tightly while out shopping... Just having him around, making me laugh over random nonsensical jokes, or us just basically talking about the future ahead of us...
And although it's only the first weekend, I suddenly feel a huge sense of emptiness, where I cannot exactly pin-point what is the issue bothering me now, at this very moment.
All I do know is that I miss him terribly, and I'm still learning to reluctantly accept the fact that the relationship is over...
As I look up in the skies from my window, I do hope he's doing well... ....
He called yesterday, I had a feeling that the Love would call, knowing him, I knew he would, and for some unknown reason I kept glancing at the phone's clock, waiting for it to strike 11pm, a time he would usually call...
He did call, we talked, I cried until my ears and nose hurt, but the hurt seemed to pale in contrast with the pain in my heart...
He said it's officially over, for he doesn't have the feelings for me anymore...
Maybe I'd understand better one of these days as to the causes, but...
I really don't wanna let go...
We just allowed the relationship to take a nosedive from the good to the worst; We hardly really communicated for he doesn't wanna hurt me or make me sad/angry, and so did I. We just bottled things up, and then like a Coke bottle that refuses to contain all the liquid and gases anymore, it all came to a downward spiral...
I am devasted, for it was the first time that I had felt such intense happiness, and yet, it's all coming to an end.
I'm honestly lost, it's as though my heart has been broken into billions of tiny pieces, and knowing myself, I know I would never be the same ol' me again...
He's gone, but he wants us to remain as friends. And honestly, for the first time in my love relationships, I really do want us to be there for each other as friends, depsite the fact that I want something more, yet he can't for he doesn't feel the same way anymore. Knowing myself, when my previous relationships ended, one of the very first things I'd say to the other party is for him to stop contacting me, for I feel that it's pointless remaining as friends after all that we've been through...
I don't know if he wants us to remain friends is just so to make me feel better, or that it would be comforting for him to be able to know that someone would be there to listen to him, and just cheer him up on those bluesy days... Or that it's just talk, and that we wouldn't remain in contact after some time...
I gave us a chance, I gave my all; and looking back, the only regret that I have is that I no longer have the chance to spend my days and nights growing with him on the long life journey ~ I can only look from afar and hope he is truly happy for we're no longer together...
I usually am able to move on and pull my socks up pretty quickly, but I highly doubt I'd be able to this time around; it's as though a literal part of me just died and although some might say that it's the early days, and how I'd get over him after finding closure with time, I know that I can't, having known that I contributed to allowing the best thing ever in my Life slip away...
Yet, I surrender, simply because I respect him and still, in all honesty, love him alot... But sometimes, loving someone means letting him go and not seeing himself be so unhappy and suffering. I thought that he was being selfish by telling me harshly that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. But facing the 4 walls of my room and thinking things through, I realised that if it makes him happier (for I cannot bear to see him sad), then I will take a step back, and allow him to be happy.
Nothing's fair in this world, and we don't usually get what we want all the time. He has given me far too much in Life and through these past 8 months of bliss that it's finally time for me to give something back in return.
Having time alone, without any forms of contact and communication with him for 2 days have only made me realise that I do love him alot, and I really do want to grow old with him, make him laugh, and see that smile on his face everyday. But if I am the root cause of his misery, and that I am the reason that is making him stop smiling, I will sacrifice to see that sunny dimpled smile back on his face again.
The sound of his laughter is somewhere near, his snores the comfort I'd terribly miss hearing while dozing off, and the look on his face when he sees a cockroach, and how I would miss his hand holding mine tightly, telling me that things would be okay...
With very breathe I take, his scent lingers... ... ...
Like what you've said a long time ago, you have slowly crept into my heart, and the billion little pieces would never be the same again...
Thank you for being my twinkle Northern Star!! :)
If you are reading this, I really wish you well!
"I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd need you there when I cried And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie Is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone The pieces of my heart, I'm missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day And make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before Everything that I do, reminds me of you, and the clothes you left, that lie on the floor And they smell just like you I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you And When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too And When you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day And make it ok
(I miss you )
We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were Yeah yeah And all I ever wanted was for you to know everything I do I give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me Yeah...
When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you And When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too And When you're gone The words I need to hear, will always get me through the day And make it ok
I once told him that Love is like the stars in the sky, they'd sometimes shine so brightly, yet sometimes, they'd disappear within a twinkle of an eye... Yet he told me that he would be my Northern Star, being my beacon of light that would shine upon me everytime I am lost...
I have lost him, like the twinkle stars in that dark blanket of skies, and although deep down within me I cannot bear to let him go, I know I have to... ...
